Ahhh the holidays…
We are inundated at this time with visions of pumpkin pies and apple cider, hayrides and family dinners, forgiveness and community…but for many of us, who may not have much in the way of family and friends, or who have lost loved ones, loneliness is the only visitor over the season.
And with Co-VID impacting travel plans and gatherings, loneliness may visit many more of us this year. Like an unwanted guest, she comes to stay, unpacking years of hurt, re wounding, re living pain.
I feel like though many of us experience this, it’s almost a taboo thing to admit, as though in naming this pain, we have failed to create and preserve family and friends. I think unconsciously we believe that that failure speaks to something essentially wrong with us as individuals. As if Loneliness isn’t bad enough, we let her invite over her friend, Shame.
I want to offer a way to reframe for myself and for you and give you some tips for coping with holiday hopes:
— Plan. Plan. Plan.
Don’t wait for things to be on top of you and think when Thanksgiving day comes around, you will just deal with it. Come up with a plan. Even if that plan is that to spend the day alone in your pajamas with takeout, a pint of ice cream, and all your favorite movies lined up, plan that.
This helps avoid disappointment.
—Round robin
If you don’t have anywhere go for Thanksgiving, for example, talk to people you know care about you and ask them, “Would you mind if I stop by to say hi, I wanted to bring a pie.” Don’t commit to one dinner, and plan on cooking what you bring. It can be as easy as boxed brownies. Plan on wearing a mask, socially distancing, wearing warm enough clothes that you can chat outside. Pack a thermos for yourself of cider or hot chocolate and plan on carrying plates from each home, back to your house.
—Minimize
We can’t do everything we plan on anyways this season, and this means keeping it simple. Maybe this year you spend Thanksgiving writing letters to all the people most important to you in your life; maybe you listen to a podcast and do a puzzle; maybe you volunteer for the day.
But remember not to over commit or overdo it when you are struggling with grief or loneliness. Put no pressure at all on yourself. Plan, but don’t worry if you decide to do nothing at all.
—New Rituals
When we have a major loss or are struggling with a new family structure, it’s important to create new rituals. Maybe you decide weekends in November are for doing your holiday cards. Maybe you volunteer every Friday through November with a group you care about doing some sort of CoVID safe activity. Maybe you do a vision board for the following year. Maybe you restructure your bedroom, rearrange, paint walls with no VOC paint, pick up a hobby for the year: learning a new language, painting, doing puzzles. Maybe you start running or walking.
What’s important is you find a way to mark the season that is not connected to the person you lost or the way your family looked prior.
—Support Groups
Support Groups are a great way to connect to others who may be where you are or may have been where you are and are further on the path. We hold a Bereavement group for people who have lost a spouse to cancer and Gilda’s Club, One-to-One, and MIOCA all run programs as well.
Bereavement Support
Gilda's Club
MIOCA
Imerman Angels
—Exercise
Data shows us that movement is critical in managing depression and mood changes and may be as effective as medication in many cases. Consider finding a new trail to safely hike on weekly, aim for 30 minutes of intense exercise, daily.
—Sleep
Aim for 8-9 hours of sleep a night. Sleep helps us cope with what’s coming up, helps us to have the energy and mental strength to face tomorrow. Sleep today to lay the foundation for tomorrow. If you are struggling with sleep. Order CBD sleep gummies, Sleep REM or Theanine from BeWellwithAIM.com. Talk to Drs. Roy and March about how to work on sleep.
—Nourishing
Eat what you feel like eating, and pay attention to how you feel inside. Do you feel full? Do you feel grateful? Do you like the taste, texture, flavor, of what you are eating? This is even more challenging when we are struggling with disordered eating or getting treatment. Talk to Dr. March about your plan for eating over the holidays, this is not a good time to start a “diet”, to “restrict” or “fast”. If these are necessary with your treatment, talk with her about ways to do it without feeling deprived. A good nourishing smoothie daily is an excellent way to stay nourished.
Try the following Pumpkin Smoothie. Blend to your taste:
-Spinach
-Coconut or Almond Milk
-Frozen Banana or whole unsalted cashews
-Frozen Mango
-Pumpkin Puree and seeds
-1/4 teaspoon five spice powder
—Spiritual Work
This time of year is an excellent time to enhance your morning and nighttime routine with things that bring you closer to your Creator and living your authentic life. This is entirely personal and can borrow from all faiths if that is what works for you. When I was little I asked my guru why God has so many faces and she said, “God shows up in billions of ways to touch every individual’s heart, individually.” It’s important to anchor yourself at the end of year with knowledge that you are connected to something greater than yourself. And when things are challenging, to know that a Great Spirit, however you know it, walks with you.
