A Letter from Our Therapist
/Dearest Mothers and Fathers,
“Now is not the time to simply tighten our bootstraps and power through...
avoiding anxiety actually fuels it to grow and keeps us from moving forward in our lives.”
As the new school year continues to unfold, I can’t help but think of all the parents out there working tirelessly to keep the peace amidst chaotic changes. We knew parenthood would be challenging, to say the least, but we never anticipated the extent of that challenge as we face it today.
School is now at home, there’s a global health crisis, many societal changes, a financial crisis, and tons of uncertainty… Through all of this, our children need us more than ever, and yet our schedules and our emotions have us spread so thin it can be difficult to help ourselves, let alone anyone else.
I know what you may be thinking; “I’m actually going to lose my mind. What is wrong with me?” Trust me, you are not alone in thinking this way.
For some of us, anxiety is an altogether new and scary experience; for others, anxiety is like an old acquaintance you wish would stop showing up at your doorstep. Whether anxiety is new to you or simply different today than ever before, you may be wondering how to manage it.
First, I want to stress that it’s actually entirely normal to be feeling anxious right now. Anxiety is the result of a complex alert system in our bodies that is actually designed to help us. It says “Hey, you! There’s a threat!” to which our bodies can respond by fighting or flying.
Sometimes the threat is real, like an angry bear charging down the path on your hike, and sometimes it’s imagined, like the criticism we fear facing from other parents if we post that picture of our child eating cookies for breakfast (even though he looks so adorable).
Right now, our alarm system is alerting us left and right, but there is nowhere we can fly and nothing tangible to fight. So, what does anxiety do? It courses through our bodies again, and again, and again, unless we step in to change it. It can show up as frustration, as tension in our muscles, as a racing heart or tormented thinking. It can leave us feeling helpless.
“What can I do about it?” you may ask, “If I ignore it, won’t it just go away?”
Well, you can’t ignore anxiety. Feelings don’t respond well to people trying to fix them. Now is not the time to simply tighten our bootstraps and power through, no matter how much we may want to. In reality, avoiding anxiety actually fuels it to grow and keeps us from moving forward in our lives.
Despite what our anxious thoughts may tell us, there is actually a lot we can do to embrace our emotions and make them manageable. Knowing this, I want to share some tips to help us feel more in control of our lives and prepared to face whatever new challenges may arise.
Make time for yourself.
I don’t mean just bubble baths and pedicures (although Lord knows we all would love that right about now) rather time dedicated purely to your needs. I know how challenging this can be with the whole family cooped up under one roof, but intentionally carving out time for yourself is still possible.
For example, my fiancé and I made a pact that, once the kids are asleep in the evening, we each take 30 minutes to do something entirely for ourselves before we dive into Netflix or collapse into bed. Let me tell you, a measly 30 minutes a day has made an immense amount of difference. By dedicating even a small chunk of time, you can keep yourself and your health a priority in your life.
Encourage independence in your kids.
Right now, our school-aged (and younger) children are lacking opportunities to interact with anyone outside of their immediate families. At first glance, it may seem wonderful to spend so much more time with our kids than ever, but there are downsides to this new reality as well.
Children need space to learn, grow, and become self-sufficient. When Mom and Dad are suddenly also Teacher, Friend, and Disciplinarian, the boundaries between us and our children start to blur and kids can easily begin to regress. It’s important to foster independent actions in our children whenever it is safely and responsibly possible. Yes, they’ll likely need your help navigating this virtual education system in place today, but that doesn’t mean we can (or should) spend every waking moment together.
Let them run around the back yard, even if they’ll be filthy when they come inside.
Let them pick out their clothes for the day, even if that Superman cape and that pajama shirt don’t seem “school appropriate”.
Let them choose their own lunch, even if that means they don’t eat as healthy as you’d like (because let’s be real here, they throw the healthy stuff away at school half the time anyway.)
Most importantly, let them be kids, even if that means they’ll have to work a bit harder when school does become face-to-face again.
See a counselor.
Sometimes managing your emotions on top of every other responsibility on your plate is simply too much. Talking to a counselor or therapist can help you discover new ways to cope with whatever it is that you, as a unique human being, are facing. Even just to release some of the mental energy you are inevitably carrying around, talking with a professional can only help.
If we aren’t the right git, we will help you to find the right fit.
Minimize social media time.
This one is HUGE. While there are obviously many incredible things about social media, over-use can also have a devastating impact on our emotional state. Yes, we can connect to our friends and families, as we absolutely should right now. However, I encourage you to think about social media as the business that it is.
Social media platforms are designed so that their funding comes from external sources, such as advertisers or news stations. They make money off of tailoring content on your newsfeeds to whatever it is that keeps you engaged, even “fake news” that generates fear and distrust in others. By limiting your social media time, you can gain some control over the information you consume and, ultimately, the way you feel.
Grounding techniques.
Anxiety is often fueled by thinking about future events and anticipating negative outcomes.
“What if my car breaks down on the way to the store?”
“My boss is going to be so mad if I can’t get this done today.”
“My son is going to fail his class because I can’t figure out this online-learning thing.”
Sound familiar? Human beings, by nature, often jump to worst-case-scenario as a part of that complex alert system I mentioned earlier. If we can predict a threat, we have a better chance of changing it, right?
In reality, this type of thinking doesn’t give us the control we hope for, it simply gives us anxiety.
Another way to really combat this anxiety is through grounding, which is a fancy way to describe bringing your attention back to the present moment. What we really have control of is the here-and-now in front of us and focusing on that can alleviate a lot of anxiety.
A grounding technique that seems simple but can be powerful is distraction. You can distract yourself from your thoughts and begin focus on the here-and-now in many ways, but one discreet technique that can be used anywhere is: naming or numbering:
Pick a color. Now name all of the items or objects you can see that are that color.
Pick an object. How many of them can you see from where you are?
Whatever you choose, using your senses to ground yourself in your current surroundings is a powerful way to shift your focus away from anxious thoughts.
Patience. Patience. Patience.
Whether it’s with your kids needing what feels like constant attention, with yourself for dropping the ball more than you usually would, or with the world at large for feeling so foreign right now, practicing that tried-and-true virtue of patience is absolutely critical.
We are all learning to cope with this new and constantly changing world we live in. Remembering we are all in this together, we all deserve that extra bit of patience, and kindness can go a long way. Take a deep breath, and know that despite the uncertainty we feel, this is temporary, and normalcy will find us again in time.
My heart is with every single one of you. Together we can support one another and make the absolute best of an immensely challenging time. If you are feeling overwhelmed, or want some extra support right now, know that I am here for you. Give me a call at (269) 808-6422, call our front desk at (248) 798-2942 or send me an email at jessica@aimnatural.com so we can make a plan to help you through.
Until we speak, be well.
Jessica
MA, LPPC
